Thanks to the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey, BDSM isn’t just a lifestyle reserved for a special, select group. Now the idea of tying up a partner, being tied up or adding a little fun ‘punishment’ to the bedroom is taking the public by storm. Fiction can give people some good ideas, but it’s meant to tell a story, not offer a guidebook on what BDSM is or how to go about trying it. Let’s take a closer look!
What is BDSM? The letters stand for Bondage, Dominance/Discipline, Submission/Sadism, Masochism and what each letter stands for is actually dependant on the relationship it’s describing. It’s really just an umbrella term for an expression of sexuality that has a lot of different facets. There are people who have been participating in BDSM for decades, and they’ll be the first to tell you that ‘you don’t know what you like or don’t like until you try it.’
They will also tell you that there are rules to follow. Why is that? BDSM isn’t just your usual vanilla sex. Because of the necessary trust involved, a couple participating in BDSM has to start slow and start small. What if you don’t have a professional Dom/Domme- and yes, there are people who are professionals in this!- available to help show you how to go about it? Take a look at these tips to help guide you along exploring the enriching experience that is BDSM.
The first key to BDSM is communication. Talk. Talk, talk, talk! Fantasies are universal; everyone has them, and a lot of people are ashamed of them when they have no reason to be. To really experience what BDSM can offer, trust has to be built and communication has to be clear. Talk to your partner about what you fantasize, what you desire and listen to him when he answers. Do you want sensory deprivation and lots of erotic massage while he’s thinking about spankings and dirty talk? If you don’t talk about what you both want, the experience can end up being very jarring and even upsetting.
Establish a safe word; this is a word that can be used to end the scene being played immediately so any concerns or worries can be discussed. Communication is the first step, and BDSM requires open honesty to make sure each partner is satisfied and feeling safe. The safe word is a net for both partners to use, preventing anyone from feeling uncomfortable or out of control of what’s going on. Even the Dominant in the scene can use the safe word if they feel that something’s not going right. How often can you do that in vanilla sex without there being hurt feelings?
For beginners, the second step is to start off small. Don’t leap right into getting a St. Andrew’s cross or a spanking bench! Focus on one aspect you want to explore, like bondage. Whittle that down to the basics- restraint- and work from there. A pair of neckties or even just obeying your partner’s instructions can work just as well as the most elaborate dungeon setup for people who are beginning. Keeping your focus on one aspect to explore lets you and your partner learn the proper use of a safe word, how to work with each other’s desires and limitations as well as keeps both of you from being hurt physically or emotionally.
Research is absolutely key for safety and enjoyment of BDSM, as well as establishing trust. If you’re already communicating, learning each other’s desires and willing to do what’s necessary to keep your partner safe and happy, then you’re taking the right first steps to exploring BDSM.
